Old posts from Tumblr.

This is Round 2 of my MS blog....here are the old posts:

2 Years and Counting..

This week marks two years since I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. As I was thinking about this today I realized that I have never once asked God to cure me or take away this disease. I have complained to him about my symptoms, yes, and I have felt discouraged by my weakness due to the disease, but I never asked him to take it. I have known from the beginning of this journey that God would use this diagnosis to do great things in my life. Being weak and afraid keeps me usable to God. 

For most of my adult life I have struggled with invisible health problems, the kind that people don’t see when they look at you. There are many of these: Allergies and Food In-tolerances, Arthritis, Cancer, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain, Depression /Mental Illness, Diabetes and Blood Sugar, Digestive Disorders; Example IBS, colitis, Celiac etc., Eating Disorders, Headaches, Migraines, etc., Infertility, Lupus, Lyme Disease, Multiple Sclerosis, Neurological Diseases, Pain Management, Sjogren’s Syndrome, Thyroid Disorders…the list goes on and on. These illnesses are the kind that can really take a toll on your spirit because you “look fine” to others but can be really suffering on the inside. This is a pain I know all too well. When I was younger and dealing with depression and anxiety, Ibegged God constantly to take it all away. But one day while looking for help in the Bible I found 2 Corinthians 12. In this chapter, Paul talks about all the great ways he has been blessed and all the hard work he has done to stay righteous, but then talks about his weaknesses. He says that he has been given a thorn in his flesh, a demon to torment him, so that he would not become too proud. And then he says this: “Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I began to understand that God and I have different ideas about what I need and what makes a great life. We have different understandings of everything. When you have a thorn in your flesh (I am being literal here for a second) or a splinter in your hand, people who love you don’t necessarily see it unless you show it to them. That exposure takes vulnerability, humility and courage. These are the qualities that God needs in his people who do his work. These qualities are only cultivated through difficulty and trust in God. 

God never took away my depression and he isn’t going to cure my MS, so I don’t ask. But he will use my struggles to help others and do his work. And really, that’s more important than being in perfect health while on earth anyway. I would rather he tackle world hunger. I’ll be fine.

Heat and MS

Where I live, the high temperature is 102 today. I’ve always been sensitive to the heat, and in learning about my MS, it makes sense why. People with MS report having a worsening of their symptoms in hot conditions or after exercise or a hot shower. According to the National MS Society’s website, “These temporary changes can result from even a very slight elevation in core body temperature (one-quarter to one-half of a degree) because an elevated temperature further impairs the ability of a demyelinated nerve to conduct electrical impulses.” So when I get hot, my nerves have trouble communicating with my brain and vice-versa. This explains a lot. 

On Saturday, I went to the Biggest Loser Casting Call audition in Chicago and stood in the sun and heat for 8 hours. I didn’t think to bring water. Or a chair. Or sunscreen. By one’o’clock I was sunburned and tired. The BL staff handed out applications for us to fill out while we waited. My hands had begun tingling earlier in the day (one of my regular symptoms) but as time and the heat wore on it got worse. I grabbed my pen to fill out my app and had alarming trouble writing. My hands were tingling and numb and shaking. I knew what I wanted to write, but it was like my signals were getting crossed and my hands just weren’t doing what they were supposed to. This had never happened before and I was frightened. I kept having to take breaks in the writing and thinking really hard about each word as I put it on the paper. A little while later I was having trouble texting my friends who were asking about our progress in line and had to resort to phone calls. It wasn’t long before I started feeling faint and had to sit down on a nearby parking barrier. Thankfully my friend went to get Gatorade and a snack. the hydration gave me enough strength to continue, but I was, (and still am) concerned about how my symptoms reacted to the heat.

Through this experience, I learned that I am going to have to take better care of myself in the heat. In my mind, it feels like I am “wimping out” and I am afraid people will attribute my issues to my weight and not my MS. On a side note: I am beginning a weight loss competition with a personal trainer friend of mine on Tuesday, so I am hoping that getting some weight off will help with my MS symptoms.

If you have MS or know someone who does, check out this post on the MS Society’s page about minimizing the effects of heat on MS. Really, go look at it. I’ll be here when you get back. Also, on a personal note, it is helpful if the people with an MS loved one remind them of these tips if you are planning an outing together. Two heads are always better than one. Unless they are on the same body. Then people will stare.

Walk MS 2012 Springfield

24 hours later and thinking about Walk MS still moves me to tears. 

The day started at 7am. I hadn’t slept much because I was so excited. Marissa picked me up and we jammed to Reggaeton (Latin hip hop) on the way to church. My parents and Grandma had already arrived by the time we got there; I knew because the greeter at the door said she had already seen some of our matching T-shirts (they are kinda hard to miss) come through. We filled a row and a half in the service, where the topic was Plan B-When God Doesn’t Help You Succeed. I thought about my failures in life during the sermon, and how God always has a better plan than my Plan A. 

After church 15 of us gathered for brunch at IHOP. I loved watching my friends and family interact and laugh together. My heart was filled with such joy to see my little nephews, Blake (age 3) and Logan (age 1) sporting their matching shirts that said, “Walking for my Aunt B” on the back. 

When we got to the park, my aunt and uncle were there waiting. We went inside to register where volunteers had free food, water, water bottles, bandanas, sport bags and other freebies for us. There were a couple hundred people who had come out in support of MS. 

We took some fun pictures and friends upon friends kept joining us.

It was 90+ degrees outside and even hotter in the sun. This did not deter Team BDazzle. They were with me from the beginning to the end. Their support and love was unwavering. There are moments I recall where words were not spoken, but action spoke volumes. The friend who stayed with me at the back of the pack as I slowly climbed the hills with much difficulty, even though they themselves could go much faster. The friend who said “Let’s do it again” cheerfully after the first lap, even though most of the participants stopped walking due to the heat. The water fights on the way up the tough hills that made me laugh when I wanted to cry. The friend that streamed my favorite song on their phone to keep us motivated. The encouragement when I started to give up. The cheers and applause from my family as we crossed the finish line. The little guy that ran to me after I crossed the finish line, saying “Aunt B I was looking for you!” The time and energy commitments in the weeks leading up to the event. The sheer fact that they cared enough to come. The love that was shown in these moments and so many others will be the memories of this event that I carry in my heart for the rest of my life.

In the last 48 hours I have felt my love for them deepen as I witnessed these unspoken messages of love and support. This love and support has given me the courage to believe in myself. I knew it has always been there, but seeing it in action was life-changing.

As a result of yesterday, I have made some additional positive decisions in my life because of my renewed desire to be healthy and strong. 

To Team BDazzle, I want to say Thank You and I love you. While I have managed to put some of my feelings into words, I am still about 95% speechless. You amaze me and are a gift from God himself. There is no way I could ever repay or deserve the love and support you have shown me. You are all my heroes!

Small Victories

Have you ever told yourself that you were gonna do something healthy (i.e. eat right, exercise) and then not follow through despite the best intentions? I sure have…about a thousand times. About 45 of those times have been this year alone. Most recently, I decided I needed to start eating healthy and exercising and even made a pact with a friend to do this together (that lasted all of 3 days).

However, on Thursday, I learned in a therapy session how to ground myself and breathe deeply to reduce my stress level. Immediately after this session, I started craving freshness. First, I wanted the all-natural goodness of a Chipotle burrito bowl with brown rice. Not too uncommon…I love this meal. My next craving was for fruit. I NEVER crave fruit. If I am gonna crave something, it is probably Mexican food or cheese sauce….or Mexican food smothered in cheese sauce. MMM nachos! Anyway, I was craving fruit. Once that craving was satiated, I was thirsty…but only for water.

Veggies, fruit, water. Something was wrong here. It happened again Saturday. Healthy therapy (this time physical) followed by a veggie craving…tomato and cucumber salad…and water. It happened again tonight…I just finished a bowl of the fruit from Thursday.

Then I realized something. I had already made the big hurdle decision. It wasn’t just to eat right, but I chose to take care of my body and my mind through various methods of therapy. My body responded by helping me get what it needed through cravings. I don’t need to declare an official “start day” for a “diet”, I just need to make one good choice. One good choice can set you on the path to better choices as easily as a bad choice can put you on a path to destruction.

A series of good choices can really add up! Today’s victory: I haven’t had a drop of alcohol (something I have decided to lay off of for a myriad of great reasons) in two weeks, and I have been eating more fruit and vegetables for 4 days!!! I hope to see some results of these choices soon. Time to celebrate by…oh, going to sleep. I guess it is getting late. :)