Life is crazy. No one knows what will happen tomorrow or what troubles they may face. This is a truth that I have learned the easy way and the hard way. But chronic illness makes that slightly worrisome, normal part of daily life much more terrifying. Every morning when I wake up, I do a mental check to see what is working and what is not. Do I have feeling in my fingers and toes? Am I confused? Am I experiencing side effects from my injection last night? Do I have any new "weirdness"? And if my morning gets the "all clear", I can pretty much bank on having an issue before lunchtime. This means I live in a constant state of uncertainty and anxiety.
Trying to stay positive is hard, even for a naturally positive person like me. I have no idea how the pessimists do it. The thing that is the most draining is that MS isn't an illness that you go "through" and it is not something that gets better over time. The best I can hope for is that things stay the same. There is no light at the end of the MS tunnel, because there isn't an end to the tunnel.
Lord help me, that is depressing.
So I have to re-imagine the tunnel. Instead of a creepy dark tunnel, I have to think of one of those New Age above ground glass tunnels...I think they have them in Europe. My tunnel has to be the kind where I can still see the beauty of the world around me. Perhaps the train tracks are covered in glitter or something or crystal chandeliers provide the light inside. And laughing...there must always be laughing.
Today wasn't a great one, health-wise; I woke up with the fake flu (flu symptoms are a side effect of Rebif) and spent the whole morning and afternoon in bed with fatigue. But I was able to go see my nephews this evening and they bring me so much joy. Now that I am home and ready for bed, I begin to worry about what tomorrow will bring. So I pray. I tell God about my anxieties and he gives me peace. I think about all the people who have a harder life than me and find myself being so thankful for what I have been given.
Perspective and Prayer.These are the keys to coping with the uncertainty ...and sometimes Xanax. :)
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